That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
