Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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