What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
