I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
