I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
