you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
