I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
