Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
