You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
