New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
