i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
