Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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