Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
