You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
