I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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