You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
