he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
