Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He passed out mid-signature
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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