Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
