I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
