Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
