his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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