When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There r osticjed everywhere
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
