the condom got lost in my hair
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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