Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
