I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
