How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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