Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
