You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
