never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
