Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
