how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
