So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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