please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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