We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
