Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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