she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
