Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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