I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
