Your mouth is God's brothel.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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