Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to make out with him forever
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
