I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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