I love black thongs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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