I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
