Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
