She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
