Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
