I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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