I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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