A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
