Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
